It's been 5 years ish since i shot up coke..   A friend of mine has asked if i will sit for him and show him how to do it properly. e's curious and will do it anyway, but would love me there to share my expertise.  I don't know how i feel about this. Can i sit and help? without doing any? will it hurt to just do a shot with him? Can i sit with him without the temptation getting too great?  I'd love to do this for him but i really don't know how i feel about him even asking...   I've not told anyone else. I dont' think i should. I just need an anonymous sounding board..

There's a post coming soon.. Watch this space :/

http://206.145.80.239/zbc/attachment.php?attachmentid=41280


Wow... look at the veins on that......

Fuck.  Two years. TWO YEARS. and i did it without any 'help'

i did it on my own. Two years is a long time... Long enough to be able to say that 'i did it' 'i beat my cocaine addiction'

So why does it feel so much like i haven't yet?

I haven't 'beaten' it. i've merely ignored it for long enough that i can claim success.

Which, what, makes me a fraud?   I don't fucking know.


i'm pissed off that i still want it.
i'm pissed off that i can't get it.
i'm pissed off that i don't have the means to get it
i'm pissed off because i should be over this.

I'm pissed off because i'm viewing my greatest life's pleasure as something i need to get rid of and never feel again.

June 29th 2006. wow.

June 30th marks two years since i last shot up cocaine.

This is not going to be a joyous day.

Why must i go through this? haven't i paid enough already?

What the fuck do you want from me?

I had a dream last night about piles of syringes.. i was in a group of people and had to clear them up. But no matter how carefully i tried to pick them up i kept on getting spiked.. I think there was more to the dream but i can't remember any more detail than that now as i was woken up from it. How irritating.

it's very much been a week of noticing veins.. in me and in other people. getting jealous when i see people with strong veins, just wanting to fill their veins with that sweet poison.. finding plump veins on me and instantly my mind is, HAS plotted a way that it would be SO EASY to make shooting up happen. I try to distract myself with sex or alcohol.. but it doesn't really work for long. the chemical release in my brain after orgasm is so similar to the beginning of the IV Coke rush it makes tears fall from my face uncontrolably.

I am SO ready to experience this again.. i'm entering periods of not caring about anything else. One way or another, this stuff is gonna kill me.

*Sigh*

I feel so alone.. So empty

I feel like this pain should have stopped by now

Why can't i just live my life, The life i choose now of a cocaine free human being.

Why is it so hard even after all this time.. ?

I feel my heartbeat jump as the liquid makes its way round my body, as it hits my brain the world goes silent for a second before the rush explodes into my head. My arm, forgotten, is trailing blood. The needle discarded onto the floor. The world areound me ceases to exist. For now, I am free...